Letter 62

July 8, 2011

Dear Mom,

Hope you are well. I continue to be slowly broken down by confinement. Even J. is taken aback by the bold silliness apparently motivating some of the latest policies enforced. One example of this is the seemingly endless shakedowns/strip searches in an environment where nothing at all can possibly ever be found, as the smurfs have exactly zero access to anything beyond the relatively small amount of food we get from the canteen. That aspect of the enforcement is purely futile.

I'd ask to be advocated for, but have no idea who the appeal would be addressed to. Its source, I feel, is from the "old-boy network" still in place at many of the prisons statewide. They have only a vague idea of how to get us to line up and bow down, so they import an authority figure from the verge of retirement to kick heads in until their goal is met. Either way it pans out, they are the undisputed winners. If some difficulties emerge unforeseen, the ones actually getting mixed in with all the dirt are sacrificed up to the one responsible (at last) with nothing to lose as he is about to retire.

I know I'm not one to cause disturbance for no reason anymore, and I don't believe J. is either as he is looking at being kept here for the balance of his lifetime. He realizes age no longer will forgive a lapse of reason that would accomplish being any closer to his goal of returning to Cuba. The officers I've spoken with all agree that these policies are needlessly strict, but they have to follow them to keep their jobs. When pressed, they further tell me they can't do these dehumanizing acts for the next five years until they are in a position of authority and will either quit or work at another prison to continue to provide for their families.

Now I get to the point of this distressing letter: The only thing I see and foresee happening from these new policies being enforced (with a gun pointed at the officers) is a very negative reaction on the part of the officers themselves. They are forced into a no-win position by those they never see, such as those in the capitol. Then, it's unwise to torment the deranged, as not all are here for a lengthy sentence. One day, they will be forced to release us and then we are free to report these abuses to the real authorities.

In the meantime, I wait for a lunch that will likely be late, cold, flavorless, and repulsive. Small too, but then it wouldn't hurt me to lose a little of the fat on me. I'm tired from no R.E.M. sleep due to the medications I take daily now, so I'm always in danger of stalling out. I exist in a very unpleasant state between waking and sleeping, not fully either. I'm pushing the limit as to what the censor will put up with in these letters as it is, and therefore unable to stress the words I need to make the points clearer.

Being as I'm unable to sufficiently explain myself by reason of being hampered in stressing parts and pertinent words due to censorial scrutiny, I'm at a loss. The most expedient way I foresee to get out of my current situation is to control my impulses leading to independent thought/actions. Sorry if this causes you any further anxieties, I truly am. I'm sure you are at a point in your life when you need to enjoy and not worry.

If I get through the rest of the day without doing anything foolish to set me back, I'm strong enough to take what can be ladled onto me for the rest of my sentence. Although the wrongs continue to mount up, I'm fully confident I will be able to be moved on and never return. J. says "hi."

Much love and regards,
James