Letter 40

May, 2011

Although I'm uncertain as to when, around the time of my early teen years I acquired several friends of questionable character. In my mind, they were all superior to me on one level. Yet, I was like an instructor to them as things were easy for me to comprehend and easy for me to do back then. I don't know what the link could be, but I think there is one between my passive/aggressive ways and my inferiority/superiority complex. Until recently, life continued so rapidly that it would have involved quite an opportunity cost to have thought very long about the connection, economically speaking.

On another twisted level, I had no feelings at all for the friends. They just helped me to appear more human. I have devoted much of my attention to this and finally concluded that the massive quantities of drugs that passed through my brain altered my perceptions to a great extent. I don't need to revisit those old memories. It shows no profit.

On yet another level, my friends were more the reliable partners than anything else. I shamelessly pitted them against one another for my own amusement...and for that I feel great sorrow that I let myself fall so low as to do that. I was never suspected as being the agitator. This was the way it was for me back in 1979-1980.

Retrospectively, the elements were in great supply and everything was easy for me during those carefree days. My neighbor and I paid a visit to a guy that lived immediately to the rear of my small universe, while he was not at home. We took everything out of his shed that was not permanently affixed to an immovable object. This included approximately five boxes of fishing tackle, though neither of us needed it, before we saw him coming back and had to quietly ease off. During the theft of the man's property, a giant zip-lock bag of plastic worms fell open on the ground. Another item taken was a machete with a 2 1/2 foot blade. My partner in crime and I were looking over the scene to make sure no incriminating evidence was visible when I pointed out the plastic worms. He started chopping them up with the machete, rendering them useless to fish with. When they were all mixed up with the dirt and couldn't be seen, he said that if I saw a whole worm he would give me $5.00. I grabbed for the whole worm and he came down with the machete. He tried to stop but couldn't, just as I tried to pull my hand back. It was such a clean cut that I had time to look at it for a second before it started to bleed. I tried to flex my fingers and then the blood started to flow in a copius quantity. I didn't know anyone could bleed so much from a cut; blood was everywhere.

Getting back to my point, as to how this relates to my being able to grasp things easier than most others, I ended up with a cast from my fingers to my arm as a result of the accident. My fingers were immobilized with a halo of some type. I became proficient at defending myself with my cast and earned a new respect.