Letter 57

June 22-23, 2011


Dear Renelle,

Though I'm physically healthy enough not to need exercise beyond daily activity for about 5 more years, I grow concerned regarding the other two major areas requiring upkeep. Mentally, which I consider my strong suit, I'm either in a period of stagnation or suspended-animation, depending on your point of view. Seen from the point many of my keepers have, I'm in a kind of suspension much like that of one cryogenically frozen, while still subject to all the differing stresses and aging. In the views of myself and the few known to have similar outlooks, though, I'm being stagnated--to death, I fear at times.


There's an expression that goes, I'm a mushroom, kept in the dark and fed bull Dookie. More truth is expressed in that rather blunt saying than could be expressed in a half page of written words, I think. Yet, in order to be clear, some definition must be established before proceeding. (1) mushrooms are fungi, proliferating mainly in environments where nutrients are plentiful, temperature is right, traffic minimal, and, let's not forget, it needs the dark to thrive. This leaves out water, an essential basis for all know life--but I don't feel water is that critical of a building block for a 'shroom crop.

Now having established/made clearer some of my, at times, inscrutable terminology, I feel more at ease in forging ahead as planned. Or not. So much depends on one's point of view. Words fail, yet I'll take a shot at it anyway. As an example easy to relate to: from the fly's view, its world is made up entirely of either food or non-food. I don't imagine its life to be ruled by agendas or schedules, but considering that a fly's life is only a very small fraction the length of ours, it must somehow find time to reproduce its species. So, it spends the entirety of its life eating or reproducing itself. That's it. Unless/until the fly's abbreviated life span is ended suddenly by a poison or other means, it may survive as long as 2 weeks.


At the top of the list of propagators, we humans have a general intolerance for what "we" consider inferior. I don't claim exemption form these attitudes, but I'm working to correct them as much as it's possible to do so. I'll sit and retreat into a fantasy where all goes well for me and I don't harm any living organism. Realistically, though it's far different from that ideal, I'm making strides in the direction of that ideal by not intentionally doing harm to others. Mainly I keep a solitary life for now, outside of the civil and expected greetings others are (regrettably) due, I get by reading, snail-mailing with people in the free society, listening to the radio, playing solitaire, and the like.


I know through bitter experience not to put myself into a position where the most likely outcome is anger/hard feelings. Many other stressors, combined with not being medicated at all for nearly 2 weeks, came together to cause me to club another man senseless and continue until he had nearly died! For that, and other less-easily explained reasons, I don't mind the occasional bout of boredom.

This could all be discussed quite rationally by me in another setting, so I very much want to express my gratitude for your efforts in retaining these letters for me to look back on after I'm released. I'm guessing here that the reason I've go no guile (other than my ultra dry wits) towards you is that you've come to practically adopt me and you share an aspect of my "history" at least.


At any rate (rapidly being preferred), I think what made my vision deteriorate so rapidly recently is the absence of visible light for large parts of the times I read/write. Of course, that's only a theory I've got, but it's at least plausible. Have you noticed that the last couple of letters don't really have a clearly-defined starting or ending point? I just begin with a kind of stream of thought, sort of like a closed-loop film and let it seek its own direction. Admittedly, my work needs work.

Oh, nearly lost my original point in superfluous--even needless--detail. The third area I've come to be aware of could be far and away the most important. Spiritually, I'm in stagnation/enforced stasis. At this point I rely on the shots in darkness mothod almost exclusively to grow maturely. Unfortunately, this doesn't allow much for the process of faith becoming tangible, but not an area that needs much of my attention, so it works out well that way. This is an area I don't feel a mentor would be practical or beneficial in, as it would prove something I've long held to be true: familiarity breeds contempt. I'm contemptuous enough as it is. 


I ask my celly, when he's talking, about certain aspects in regards to man's capacity to either build or destroy, but feel his answer could be somewhat biased by his chosen reading material. At the moment he's into a book on the holocaust et. al., called "How was it Humanly Possible?" A bit of an odd one, he--even if I do think it.


Even though it's impossible normally to occur, nothing about either myself or this situation approaches normalcy, and time constraints need to be considered as well; so I'm going to get this put in the mail now, hopefully. Write me when you feel up to it. I enjoy your views very much as they are more original and open than any others I've happened on.


Your socially retarded friend,
James