Letter 48

May 26/27, 2011

Dear Mom,

How are you? Good, hopefully. I'm just older, fatter, and slower (at least physically), but otherwise not very different from the last time you visited. Oh, I nearly forgot one critical detail that needs to be included...I expect I passed all of the tests required in order to move on to more arcane subjects, and get this: In a single shift! I paid for it though...my mind stopped working completely, so I was functioning on reflex and instinct the entire rest of the day.

I've been doing rather than thinking contemplatively for about two weeks now, and though it is early to tell a difference in my overall mood, it's made me a good deal more available to the others here. I've been "discovered" as one that reads and writes by the guys here. I didn't do it on purpose, honest! How it came about that my true(r) identity was revealed, is that on a shower night several days back I brought Blink out to the showers with me as I was at an extremely interesting part in it. I nearly acquired the nickname Red. 

Pardon my being a wee-bit confused, please. I received a letter from you from May 18th in which you claimed to be visiting with Renelle today. I got sheared (that's what it amounts to here) specifically for the visit, which of course didn't happen. Since they are short-handed here, I thought that was the reason and I hoped you weren't in an accident or anything. Meanwhile, I didn't have any success trying to find out for myself, and no one had any chance to speak to me since they were short-handed.

I was very worried and disturbed about this, and since I'm unable to use the phone still, I was going to get a guy here that can make calls to call you for me. While I was waiting for that (two phones for 80 guys) the officer gave me a letter from you dated May 11th in which you told me you cancelled because of the GED testing supposedly going on. The testing wasn't going on, as far as I know. The testers all got through in one marathon of brain sweat, leaving the visitation period open.

I had to quit writing for the evening for two reasons; the first being loss of light to see by, and the second being that I was aching too badly to continue from the testing yesterday. It seems like from what you write that you are awfully busy for someone who is retired. Do you ever take time for you? Is it helpful for you to be outgoing and gregarious in dealing with the accumulation of loss and grief? Although, on the other hand... Some people internalize grief and sorrow and some people externalize it. Although both are coping mechanisms, I don't feel like either one is better. I feel like the better way would be to openly realize grief/sorrow are to an extent a healthy, even needed, defense against depression and unreasonable anger. Get me, coming off like I'm an expert or something. Hah!

We are due to get lunch any minute now, so things will get messy, but I'll try to keep this out of harm's way. I'm going to need to make some tough choices in about 30 days and I need to have a face-to-face to consider all the implications, ramifications, and consequences regarding them. With that in mind, hopefully I'll see you sometime soon.

Lunch was handled objectionably. There isn't any reward for doing any of the jobs here well, so that results in an "I don't care" attitude prevailing among the inmate orderlies; translating into a very short time to eat. Today, for example, we had what was erroneously called Spanish rice. I indicate the error, as what it is supposed to be is vastly different from what it actually is. Kind of reminds me of a scene in an Adams Family movie. The daughter (Wednesday, I think) is asked if she would like to buy a girl scout cookie, to which she replies, "Are they made out of real girl scouts?" The ridiculous deprivation we go through is taking its toll. Again today there was no salt, causing irrationality and anger about it, and though some have realized what is happening to it (the orderlies get it and save it), the realization doesn't put salt into the door. All leading to massive frustration and arguments between otherwise peaceful guys. This makes it difficult not to complain in a more formal way about it. In this regard, isolating the trouble doesn't help solve it. Story of my life, I've hit a wall.

Before I close this, now that I've inadvertently got several more days until the mail room runs again), I'd like to include some thoughts about my future, in terms of what type of work I'll need in order to supplement my as yet non-existent government check. Well, out of room to write.

Much love,
James.....................continued

Got looking at this propped up at the end of the rack and thought: why not include more with the letter? So, here goes, whatever this is.

In the face of overwhelming obstacles, I feel led to pursue a course of action based on the near certainty that the same type of victimization that I got a taste of at Lake CI will happen to me again if I'm released into the general population. To whit: When (not if) I get to the general population of a prison (likely in 2-3 months), to prevent the same type scenario playing out with me in a prominent role, I'll claim something happening to get me into a temporary protective status. This is easier to accomplish in the open population. Then, when inevitably I'm asked why I feel the way I do, I'll push the issue to the capitol if I need to.

That is where you come in. All this isn't likely to happen for 2-3 months yet...plenty of time to reconsider, but I haven't been idle during these long days and nights. So, what will help me greatly, as they are notoriously difficult to move, is if you could speak to Tallahassee on my behalf, convincing them of my being victimized to the point I need permanent protective custody.

I've put a lot of thought into how easy a target I'm making of myself and talked/thought it over many times...and concluded that you're removed from the chaos here but you've got a needed reality check in that I can't go anywhere else right now so it is best not to make waves. Make any sense? I got lost while writing out my point. Sorry. I need to take my medications and lay back down I think. Anyway, let me know if you plan on visiting, please. I need to pay some medical expenses, too.

Much Love,
James