Letter 38

May 12, 2011

Dear Mom,

Just read your May 2nd letter and am mired in a bog of conflicting emotions. To explain: This morning, Jesus went to see a doctor and while there found out conclusively that we are costing too much to both feed and house. So, to shorten this by several pages, they plan to reduce our food to only two trays on weekends, starting in October. This is an extremely distressing fact for me/us but one I've known was coming for several months now. I've gotta be sure not to put any lies into this, or I've been told I'll get a write-up for it. Fallout from earlier letter, I guess. I'm learning what it means to be powerless.

The food has, not obviously at least, been crawling or spoiled since "Good Friday." Overall, this has been a powerful learning experience for me. I don't feel I need to go into any more details. I have now reached an understanding: If I'm given my dart too early in the shift, I give the nurse my Jesus' word I'll take it as soon as I finish eating. That is the extent of our understanding, I'm afraid.

In regards to Happy, I'm ambivalent. I feel bad for him and want to help in any way I can but I know that is not possible now. Plus, he intruded into an area that he knew is off limits by telling you he wanted money. If he wanted it that badly, there are plenty of ways to get it while keeping it "in-house." I know how badly I was being extorted the entire time I was at Lake C.I. When I first moved in, Jesus had served enough time to be able to accurately describe to me what would happen in this situation. He was uncannily correct in what he told me. But, we had to find out for ourselves; sorry about withholding that information.

It is such a struggle to keep on an even keel, with the various changes I go through here cooped up like a hamster. News like I received this morning doesn't help any, but I can't worry about that with so many more immediate things happening. I really appreciate your efforts on my behalf...although I feel that all we are doing is moving into first class seats on the Titanic!

It got too dark and too much going on with me to finish this at one sitting, but luckily for me it's the weekend so no mail moves anyway. I may have over-extended my credit...though it's too soon to tell. A guy got written up today and they aren't allowing him to have his lace-up sneakers so I had to move (and speak) fast to get them. The deal, as I understand it, is now I owe the guy $27 worth of food items. I don't think that is an unfair deal for a pair of sneakers (that fit) and are brand-new; especially, when you consider that they cost over $50 bought from the canteen. I may go hungry while he gets paid.

I haven't heard anything at all about Lori except the few bits of news coming through from you. As a result, I don't even know how or even if she is receptive to my letters. All I do, at times, is sit and wonder how a guy like me can make someone as good as her. I'm gripped by an overwhelming and profound sense of loss at missing her growing years and all the "firsts" for her. Something less than admirable going on with the mail though, but I don't know for sure yet what it is. If it is possible, and she is willing, I would love to be able to visit with her.

Unfortunately, that just about exhausts by repertoire of noteworthy information. I'll leave you with the fact that I'm not completely drug-free. I still take my daily darts. Many or most N/A (narcotics anonymous) groups will not let me speak if they know that. Food for thought.

Much love,
James