Letter 35

May 9, 2011,

Dear Renelle,

Don't know if you're a mother--but happy belated anyway. I find myself in the midst of another dilemma: is Mother's Day a holiday to be solely celebrated by women, or, if it's a moveable holiday (like Easter), are guys eligible as well? I know that there's some gender confusion here, though less than found at other prisons based on the "newness" of this one; yet, I don't think we smurfs were significantly impacted by the holiday's passing. Now, when Father's Day rolls around, I think there'll be mass confusion/chaos here. Besides which, I feel that three holidays were invented by companies like Hallmark: Valentine's Day, Mother/Father's Days. I could be wrong, though, and am open to dispute.

I'm taking on a monumentally difficult task; I'm going to attempt to not go into my own world for a 24-hour period. That amounts to quite a feat, considering the ease that retreating is done, among other ways doing this has become habitual. You may have picked up on why I need to see if it can be done, already; as it is so easy for me (it's natural), one of the many functions is going to my happy place to escape the chaos surrounding me. As it's so naturally easy to just slip away, it must be wrong some way or other for me to do. So, this will be an attempt to figure out the nuts and bolts of this maneuver. Actually, I'm trying to figure reasons not to try this, which makes me all the more determined to do it. My doctor says it's a passing phase, and I'll be okay in a week or so.

I'm not one, as you'll realize, to do something just because someone else says it's a good idea (i.e., or else, this tastes really awful--try it), you get my point. I've always been more of a wild-hearted one, though I share enough in common with others to have the more refined ideals firmly implanted to be able to pass many (if not all) of my best efforts at writing come from time I spend in my own bizarre world, so I may suffer a bit--temporarily, of course. 

The part of me which insists on being heard is busy telling me that if I know it's just a momentary thing, why shouldn't I? See how deeply ingrained this is in my personality? I'm bucking against an entire crowd of voices, and I haven't even done anything yet!

As proof-positive of market economy's existence in this country, I submit Jerry Springer (along with all the Springer-vision shows gracing our airwaves). Personally, I agree that this type f show has its place for sure, as a "what NOT to air" example. It's too bad I don't have resurrecting powers, as I'd cause his demise repeatedly. I can't believe there are actually guys here that choose to watch that brand of video-garbage! That's just an example of how easy it is to build a mouse trap. Pfah!

As I write, I've been approved (by Tallahassee, no less) for a big step in my educational efforts. I'm scheduled to take the Good Enough Degree on the 25th-26th of this month. The only part I'm likely to have any trouble with is the math, and only the part dealing with geometry. When that's out of my way, I'll move on to a course about writing, and maybe pick up something I don't already know. I don't want to be condescending, but from what I've seen, the educational opportunities are a bit limited here.

On the whole (which as an expression is odd--nothing is on the whole), or more correctly--taken all together, I'm learning that only fools are open, in a place like this. Now I know the type of lumps those fools have to wear, and I'm fortunate that I wasn't duped into taking that elevator all the way down to where it ends in a dusty/bloody mishmash of body parts. I'd be even more graphic, but I need to keep this PG, but--you get the message. More than once, I've experienced the agony of the feet.

Now I've almost got it done! It wasn't even involving the cast-iron control of self-discipline nearly as much as I'd thought it would, either. Bear with me--I do have a point buried under here someplace. When the amount of time figured into it that I spend sleeping, I only have a short time left to go!

All my "witty comments" put aside for a moment, I'm disturbed by the ease I apparently am able to dispose of my friends regardless of the cause. You may know I grew closer to a guy calling himself Happy than to just about anyone else since I've been in prison. We were cellies in "the box" at [previous prison]. Forced to live in a phone booth with someone else that way, you get to know them pretty well in a short time. I'm thinking I may have thrown the good out with the bad. In my needlessly long time at [previous prison], one thing we (I thought) agreed on was that if I let him know my mom's address, he would not be bothering her by asking for all sorts of things he could get far easier if he kept asking "in house." Guess you could safely say I'm divided about this. If there were some way to lessen what likely seems a needlessly harsh and abrupt a slap to him, I'd surely take it up without delay. As it stands, though, he is far away from my even being able to contact directly--all the more reason to withdraw from him. In the final analysis, I sure pick tough ones to be friends with. I'm probably being over-conscientious about this, but what if, like half the other guys in prison, I'm the only one he writes to? That line of thought is unprofitable. I've decided not to wallow in what might have been any more than needed. Does that seem to be calloused? 

Time for "facts not for squeamish."Did you know that most house dust comes off people? I'm sitting down after a vigorous cell clean-out, where piles of hairy dust had gathered behind the bunks! The foulest thing around has to be handling that stuff without gloves! I might have to get my hands removed! It was almost as repulsive as whatever it was they tried to feed us for lunch today. I'm going to be unafraid to eat literally anything by the time the alleged (and much ballyhooed) End of Time rolls around. I get a little fired up when I think about the garbage we smurfs are practically forced to eat. Only two things keep me from staging a formal protest (well, three now that I really consider it): (1) it would change nothing; (2) some (my celly for example) are in the same fix I'm in and really don't have anyone to complain to, and (3) the response common to all formal protests is likely to be one I couldn't have dreamed up, it's so saddistic.

So I'll just sit a-writing the nonsense rattling around in my head while I listen to the static on my radio. It's truly a sad state I've come to if this is one of my day's highlights--I mean, right now I don't even have a stamp/envelope to put this into! Here I'm getting all bent and twisted about how great a wrong has been done to me, and a couple feet away from me is a guy in this fix since I was enjoying my adventures! I don't find this stuff amusing anymore (Paul Simon's album Graceland--"Your Bodyguard" song).

It's one of those days I wish I'd slept through, you know? I've got another (imagine that) crisis going on now. A guard came by to ask if I wanted to see a counselor from mental health. I forgot what day it is, and naturally assumed it was my group counselor. I don't do groups any longer, and signed a paper to that effect. As I was trying to flag down a guard I caught sight of my case manager who I need to see, but was too late to rescind the paper. Nuclear heat had nothing on me! The next time she sees me might be in cuffs and shackles chained to a rack. I need conversation with a stable personality! 

To top it all off, [celly] got a couple of P/B "squeezes" from someone; gave one to me to eat, and I dropped it on our toilet! Definitely not amusing! 

Oddly, I signed a refusal to be part of the "mental health group" just now because nothing even remotely connected with the purpose for the group occurs. It's more a session for inspection of the female counselor. I'm viewed as being difficult, because I want to cooperate and focus on issues, not primp, pose, and brag like the rest of the sad guys do. I made what I guess was an executive choice, for the less harmful of the two options. I'm not really worried about the state classification people who have the ultimate say as to if I remain here for added time, as that's still a ways in the future, and I've got plenty of time to get with the program yet.

Anyway, that's about what it looks like from here.

Yer friend,

James