Letter 34

April 27, 2011

Dear Renelle,

Hey, me again to (further) illustrate why I made a choice to "break it off" with one of the two or three guys from [previous prison] that didn't put me into a corner when we were cellies. First, though, how are you? As easy and unstressed as life permits, hopefully. I haven't had many troubling thoughts yet today--but it's just after our first meal of the day and I'm unable to "think" at all. Such is my state.

Anyway, I want to let you know the article on Mr. Gladwell you sent provokes deeper thinking on more subjects by far than I was "about" before. I'll do my best to expound on them as I go along. The main one clamoring in my head now is on the nature of freedom (who'd have thought, right?) As I noted, I'll do my best.

Many in a "free society" of one of the world's most powerful nations are really not free at all. After the meaningless or extraneous data get removed, groups and individuals are actually very predictable, which is an immediate precursor to and cousin of a marked lack of freedom. The way I arrived at this conclusion isn't nearly as important as what it means to us as people, if those freedoms are valued in any small way. What it represents, at least to my interpretation, is that if a leader of people were to direct the ones following him to do something ultimately destructive to them, but leave out the part about being destroyed, he or she likely would get a fair number of followers.

I admit to not being a social guru or being in touch with "the latest," but from what I know of people's behavior this alarming trend demands immediate attention from people far more learned than I! As for us, I'm aware this is the only time something remotely similar even has been pointed out; making it easier still to have been fooled. It might be less poplular to be a non-conformist, but, now particularly, I believe it's a safer perspective. That's my story; I'm sticking to it!

When you write me, let me know what you think about my little rants (however serious they might be). Oh, right, explain more about the way I chose to cut out a guy from my life. The abridged version is that, based on what I know of him, we're just too different. He wants to come get me when I'm released, to celebrate with strange women and drugs. That's just something I got a bad feeling about, attractive as it is to me. Aside from that (as if there needed to be), he knowingly crossed the boundaries I'd thought clearly understood months ago while I was still at [previous prison]. There are other reasons as well, but they would be too difficult to make any rational sense out of; I won't go into them.

When it gets to where it gets dirty, I don't like a great many things. Less so if I didn't actively choose to make them an experience of mine! True about the country music the guard listens to for lack of anyone to boss around; (how many times can I hear someone crying about losing all they had?); also very true about the nine thugs that are in the mental health group I'm in.

The very first thing before the counselor even came in, I was forced to sit around spilled food. Ants were all over me by the time it was over. I was ignored, picked at, made light of, misunderstood, and openly challenged by turns. So, what I had on my mind to say was completely lost in the resulting chaos. That explained, if I had to repeat it every week, is enough to cause me to start picking out rifles and rooftops. I can't stand it. If they're ignorant, they should also be silent! Calling it like I see it. I'd go on the edge to note I hate a good number of things, in fact.

This place doesn't care what you know or what you've done; no one cares about that stuff here. You only represent a burden on society. That's it. Nothing more  than a load for others to carry. Got some news for them though, and I know they don't want to know this--particularly as it comes from me. In my past I've shifted my various loads onto others to carry for me without remorse or hesitation. Now, though, I've had a bit more experience with having others' burdens unfairly shouldered onto my back, and feel able to say unequivocally, not only is it morally wrong (and in some cases illegal), but is a fast-breeder of a wholesale life of crime!

Excuse me, I get writing and that sort of thing seems to just happen. Anyway, my point is I've experienced both ends of the spectrum (and quite a bit in between as well!) and feel over-qualified to state the following: The "life" one is left to with that type of "reasoning" in place is a dead end! #1, if you find this describes you--cease all action now! If you're still reading, it means you're at least willing to make a try to change, which is a good thing.

If you're anything close to being as despicable as I was, you realize how futile it will likely be. Without seeing where I was headed to, and the strongest desire not to go there, I wouldn't be who/what I now am (becoming). I had to die to my old ways of "thinking," in whatever capacity that was. I needed to be broken to the point the only way of fixing me was not through bodily change or any outwardly change. At the point where there were simply no more hidden ideas, I had the insight to declare I want to live!

Not that there weren't any good times, at first. I couldn't shake the empty feeling I got when I knew I should've felt differently (or not at all). It grew so large, my friends (those that I still had) would make obvious choices not to be around me. It finally overpowered me one day and I went to the Other Side. That experience has been gone over so many times by so many (many not with my best interest in mind), that I don't see a reason to expound on it again. In brevity is the essence of truth, if feel, so--it was shockingly horrific what I've been through but--I'm not a whiner. I'm just glad it's over with!

All I can do is hopefully to tell you what I was like, what happened, and what it's like for me now. That's all anyone can ever hope for anyhow. The rest depends largely on so many variables I can't list them and your persistent desire to be more than you are. Mark your mark. Go ahead. When you get tired is where/when the true character shows. It's not easy and your choices will be many, but you'll be part of life and not just filling time until your existence is over. I recommend it as the only worthwhile decision I've ever made. You've got more in your gas tank than you think, and you're stronger than you think, too!

Having administered such a rousing dose of "pep" to myself, think I'll do some physical exercise for awhile. Using the "move a muscle to change a thought" method, maybe I'll even break out of this funk I've slid into. Hope this effort speaks well of my alleged (and self-proclaimed) skills. I'm going to put Isaac Newton's laws of motion to a test.

Good news for all my supporters--I still maintain an undisputed record of non-physical exercise at the prison! One thing led to another when I laid my pen aside, and before I knew it, we smurfs were in the last "count" of the shift. Now it's time for me to become less cluttered and get this out to you. Write me when you can. Hopefully my celly gets a letter he hasn't written to himself soon, too.

Your simple friend,

James