Letter 90

October 12, 2011

Dear Mom,

I'm so glad to hear from you. A number of topics are currently taking up much needed room in my already crowded-to-capacity head. I will respond, hoping it is received in the spirit it was written in. Starting with likely the most misunderstood of all events in my recent history...my attacking another man in "a fit of rage."

Let me state somewhat too late that although surely angry back
then, the attack took place more as a result of not having any of my medications for at least a week prior to the event. A fact I am sure has been omitted from all documentation regarding the matter. As I stated, though I was angry at the time, I wasn't anywhere close to being angry enough to attack someone with a weapon! I didn't have any control, crazed as I was...all I could do was observe and hope for the best.

Onward, hopefully forward. I believe any further show of contrition on my part would only lead to added mental problems for me and still the other man would be in the same condition he is in. I've had time to devote a bit of serious thought and attention to this matter, and as of now, this is both what I think and how I feel. I'm unable to state my conclusions any more plainly than this, and sadly, yes, it did require an event that serious for me to regain an iota of control over my fate.

I can exercise telepathy-by-mail; you are asking how much actual control I have as a prisoner. My answer to that is practically none. I do expect to be released in the near future, however, and be released with many fewer problems than I arrived with.

On to vastly more pleasant subjects; specifically, Renelle's physical and mental plagues. I feel I've got a better perspective than you have regarding what it is actually like having a manic disorder, not being solidly or entirely free of idiosyncrasies myself. So, yes, I know fully well how much of a trial we are sometimes. I applaud you for realizing that whatever the situation that befalls us, we are at least partly blind to our responsibility for having caused it.

As for the leukemia, I'm going to have to content myself with being happy it hasn't debilitated her more profoundly. I can get a sense of where she is sometimes by the letters she sends me.

About the reliability of letters left in my wake finding me, the letter dated October 7th is the second one I've received at South Bay, which leaves one unaccounted for. Which I'd say is better than I've got a right to expect as I'm still on record as being in the first dorm they moved me into three moves ago! If you sent any letters my way while I was still intransit, it is likely they are lost forever.

I'm also happy Jesus is so much closer to gaining permanent freedom. He discussed in detail his plans and options, although my ability to understand them in limited. I doubt the fact that his plans will move forward on the timetable he has in mind, but without any pertinent details, they are fairly sound...in my estimation. He is a really good guy, but tainted by three decades of needlessly being in prison. This is how I view his case.

Now it is Thursday morning and hopefully this will go out today; if not, it will be three more days before you receive it. The free-floating stress has an effect on even the more "thuggish" population here. While getting breakfast, a guy behind me did his level best to get me to do something to him...even going as far as insulting my intelligence and education! I politely suggested we take up the subject again when we were away from the officers/staff to which he declined. Shockingly.

I'm so glad you were finally able to straighten out the phone situation! Now I know if for some reason I really need to contact you quickly I will be able to. I just hope that the need never arises. As far as the mail goes, all the letters I get have to make the rounds of every dorm in the prison to find me, as I'm not where I'm on record as being...but also not listed as having left the institution either.

If you talk with Renelle, tell her I'm cooking something up worthwhile. I have to go to a pointless class now.

Much love and regards,
James