Letter 77

August 23, 2011

Dear Mom,

Hello again..from here in a dismal and disappointing dungeon. I'm finding it no longer even remotely amusing to be here. A Sgt. explained to us smurfs recently that from now on there will be two inspections per shift, per day, Saturday/Sunday included! We are to have no more than a day or two of stubble for our beards, and haircuts are mandatory/enforced! Pretty soon, I can imagine them editing our thoughts too. Don't pay attention to me though, I can't even vote in a public election. My opinions don't count.

I vent. Self-editing is important as an ability, but I just don't have the ability to rein myself in as others do. I really meant no harm in my letters to Renelle, but I guess they weren't read that way. I've got about a half hour worth of speaking to do the next time we visit, and I explained in a letter to her that if I can't air it somehow...it not only isn't any good, but may cause me irreparable harm from holding it in. In that way,I suppose that is similar to resolving to not urinate. What happens when one goes to sleep?

So, what's going on in your world? Nothing too stressful, hopefully. Seems like this keeps getting worse and more strict by the day. I'm so glad, happy and joyful I'm scheduled to see the I.C.T./State Group tomorrow...like you couldn't believe! I can hardly believe it myself. Regarding my beliefs, I may need to continue this tomorrow, being as I'm unable to see without light. I've got a lot to say but the timing is off. Go figure, huh.

I suppose you could say I've got a type of integrity about myself, though I wouldn't say that about myself. In my mind, I fall short of the definition in at least one area: Doing right because it is right. My mental deconstruction is getting close to the bone: I'd managed to get some extra bread yesterday, so I put it into my locker with the thought I'd get to it as soon as I could. This morning, I looked in my locker and found it. In spite of what I hear good naturedly from Jesus, it comes out as having too many irons in too many fires. I'm trying out a new way of looking like I've got it together. I got a shave Tuesday that I didn't notice was uneven until I was in front of a mirror. The mirror I was looking in happens to be in our cell.
Oh well, just so long as I get where I'm wanting to go it makes little difference in the grand scheme of things.

Regarding the larger picture, meaning how I'd like to finish my time out, my first choice would be at Tomoka for the reason they have a faith-based program there that I'd like to investigate. Dad seems to downplay it for a possibility though, as he says the place is geared for those with ultra-lengthy sentences. So, with all that in mind, the prison that could make the most realistic sense to get into might be the one in Zephyrhills. My reasoning for that is they only have 40 and older inmates there.

Any way you consider it, I'm well up the creek...but I don't need to look further than my reflection for one to blame. If only. I need to start cracking that whip soon or the day is going to go by without me moving. A life-form ought to be more mobile than sedentary, in my opinion. Jesus sends his regards.

Much love and regards,
James

It was a good thing you sent that extra money...I finally had an eye exam and I'm getting glasses. I don't know how much I'll be charged for them, though likely not what they would cost as a free man. That is the single advantage to being here that I know of.

Just got your letter of the 19th. Jesus was extremely happy to get the pictures of the guy he asked for and says thank you very much. His English improves steadily, too bad my Spanish doesn't! He says he hopes your health continues to improve, too. I'm bewildered as to the actual date of my formal review by the institutional and state classification people. I, too, had been told by Mr. Goodwin it would be today, Wednesday, but the only thing that happened is I finally got to see an eye doctor. Anyhow, tomorrow is the day (August 25th), knock on wood. Most likely, I'll still be here until September 7th or later, and looking eagerly forward to a visit from you and Renelle, as I have much to sling dirt about! Because I could be paranoid doesn't exclude the possibility that people are plotting against me...in other words, I need to quit.