Letter 6

4/11/11
Dear Mom,


     I really wish this letter was more upbeat and full of glad tidings...unfortunately for me, I remain in prison so there is no way to truthfully write a letter with any of that in it. Being grieved so much so often has a kind of debilitating effect on me; holds me back from doing/thinking what I could be, as I spend most of my waking time putting out fires I didn't start!

     It's now impossible for me to retrace back to when or how I first began doing this, so I won't take anyone on that part of the eticket ride. At times like this, I pray that my cheese doesn't fall off my cracker permanently. I can see that the gears in your mind need the oil of information as to what I refer to, so:

     It has been crazier here lately than any place I've been by far! Today is only a mild example of it; in addition to the conflicting policies/rules we smurfs have to obey, last moment substitutions are often made with no explanation. We had a pitifully small pre-dawn meal this morning, so I was eagerly awaiting lunch. As it turned out, their nearly inedible version of baloney was put on our trays and given us almost two hours late!

     While I'm on the subject, medication was late with no explanation. I've dodged being held to account for this so far, but only because the officer responsible knows me and is a bright guy, which isn't normally found in guards with no rank. The nurse that is doing the medications for all of us on the 4-12 shift is responsible for at least eight times the people here so has no chance to give out the medications like they are supposed to do.

     Often I get nay sleep, have to take the medications near the start of the shift, and am sleeping whilel I eat! This presents a problem that probably only affects me. At approximately 10:00 p.m., they do a "count" and you have to say your name and number and unfortunately I'm long asleep by then. If the nurse wasn't required to watch me take the medications when she gave them to me, it would be so much easier, pleasant and beneficial for me. I am told the medications I take have a type of synergistic effect, in that the two have a more powerful action together than if taken separately. It is also harder on my body to metabolize them and almost has a toxicity because I have to take them before I can eat anything.

     It was a bit touchy there fore a minute, but enough time has passed now between me and the most recent offense for my composure to return. It could be worse, I suppose. If not for the miracle of not being at Egypt C.I., it would definitely be worse.

         Before I cease entirely my impotent ranting, let me tell you, possibly again, about the most popular T.V. shows here. Cops, and other alleged reality courtroom dramas. If, for some inexplicable reason either of those two aren't on, there's "Springervision," as I call it. Jerry Springer, his spinoff Steve Wilkes, or Maury Povich...some shows for boring people addicted to the small-mindedness that shows like those perpetuate. Guess the way I describe them tip my hand as to my feelings about them...a mind can only take so much.

     I'm really looking forward to seeing you and Renelle this Thursday. So much so, if it weren't for the never-ending dull sameness of my existence here, it's likely that I wouldn't get any sleep for the week before!

     As to the point I was getting at, prior to derailing my own train of thought, so much of my effort is inextricably mixed into solving other's jams...I've got no way to focus on getting my own attention. So, I really enjoy it when it is quiet and peaceful. That happens so rarely here, I miss out on recreation time just to have a chance to pay attention to me. This results in my "fish-belly" tan and general introversion.

     Amazing what being able to eat an entire tray in peace does for my mental well-being. I almost want to continue writing you until I see you next week, but that would seem so odd I think my celly would request a move. Anyhow, I hope Renelle is able to visit as well. I know having someone with you to converse with makes the trip go quicker. I need to get ready for the visit.

     No use lingering over this letter trying to draw it out. Sorry there aren't more good things going on with me here, but at least I am here!


Much love and regards,
James