Letter 15

April 18, 2011

Dear Renelle,

I nearly made it--to the 24-hour mark since I've written you. Don't know (and I don't really care to know) the "why" involved as to my current state of mind--though it likely has to do with not having adequate stimulation and no one to talk to. I've had some thoughts bounce off my head that bear mentioning though. The more prominently-recurring one lately takes the form of questions rather than statements. I'll put words to them further on, as first I'd like to "say" how good it was to have the visit come off so well! I didn't eat until Sunday morning, I was so stuffed! (Renelle's note: our visit with James was on Thursday!)

The interchange with my celly has changed for the good, too. As these words are coming out of my pen, he's asking me how to spell certain words in English.

The smurfs are entered into a slack time during the change of the 8-4 to the 4-12 shifts. It's a time of deceptive calm, though quieter. I have no idea what my neighbors are up to/into--and don't care to know, either. It's a response similar to one of closing my eye to keep from seeing something. Mentally, I know that doesn't make it disappear, but I've avoided witnessing it by not seeing it. Make any sense? 

Otherwise, time continues to drag by at a pace that makes the Continental Drift seem speedy. I guess it's likely that a number of factors combine to make it that way for me. 

First, I think about time, more so in a sense of missing opportunities, but still it doesn't get my release date closer! Second, I've got very little to stimulate my mind here, and have to conserve what I do have so it will last, which brings up #3: not having anyone to talk to, really. I've been alone and had better conversation with myself. I always know how truthful I am and if I'm serious or not. 

A psychiatrist told me many years ago it's perfectly natural to talk to yourself--all healthy people do--and what better way to think in a linear way than to answer yourself. But, he said, make an appointment with me if you interrupt yourself!

I'm pacing myself (judiciously using various items interesting to me to make them last as long as possible to generate other ways of passing time), in all my ways, which I'd rather be easy instead of the fierce and telling struggle they usually are. 

I started taking a TABE test last week, which is good, if for no other reason than that I'm assured that I am in the educational system in here. The test administering guy gave out some "tips"; said if we took the opposite arm behind our head to grasp our ear lobe, it would refocus our unconscious mentality to be more "right-minded." I've on got two brain cells left; one is lost and the other is looking for it.

What I still don't understand is why it's easier to be open with some people than others. Ethical questions aside, moral implications make no difference; how is it possible that I am able to more easily open myself up (with all it entails) to a total stranger, than it is for me to be upfront totally with a blood relative? I'm not so dense as to be nearing critical-mass, so I have thought about it a bit, but I have no explanation to satisfy myself with.

Aw hell, our toilet just started dumping water (hopefully) onto the floor, and the guards are still 15 minutes from being seen. Emergency-action, blow the ballast tanks--surface now!

Your unmicrocephalic friend,

James