December 12, 2011
Dear Renelle,
As pen is put to paper, I can only hope you've decided to wait until my mom or other approved visitor can accompany you during the significant trip involved in seeing me. Otherwise, how are you? Not too involved in minutiae regarding moving, hopefully. The "discovery" I continue making is that it is nearly impossible to sway an agency/institution favorable to a single person's wish(es). The normal aches and pains associated with aging have and are being made much worse by the Spartan accommodations we exist in and the constantly-increasing stress from a variety of sources.
The major one (two's!) are, that my mattress is bare in some spots, and wadded tightly packed in others. This results in some of the more imaginative sleeping positions, as this cannot be corrected by any other means than being issued another mattress. Further adversity is faced nightly by the fact that my meds aren't working for me at all now, so I'm not capable of slowing my mind down enough to get any rest. This creates friction of an unintentional nature between my celly and I, and I really don't want or need to go down that road again!
The final bit of negative I'm dealing with at the moment comes out of an agreement Jesus made with me when I was a Suwannee. His word was pledged that he wouldn't ask you or my mom for any pecuniary backing, no matter what. He came up with that last part, not me. So it seems ostensibly, that he exhausted his funds when paying for the legal work to be finished, and now, in clear and direct violation of the codicil to an agreement he made, took it upon himself to try extracting money from my mom.
Somehow, this is my fault. He seemed a decent enough guy while we were both confined to a cell unable to leave for 5 months. I don't know what influences he is exposed to in population where he's at now though. Not being able to control him is a powerfully effective dividing tool, at least from my point of view. The sentence structure needs help, but the essential vibe is there, hopefully.
There isn't much interpersonal friction between anyone here, at least as far as I know of. In fact, about the only truly hardened thoughts/feelings are against those of us in the allegedly free society outside the gate. I'm going to pass along the keen insight you provided for me recently. It involved the destabilizing nature of whatever is in the coffee besides the caffeine.
I pass along valuable words to those thinkers, especially ones with additional adversity among us. The one I refer to doesn’t cause trouble and isn't involved in any, but drinks the instant like it's water--and I can tell within a tolerable way pretty well how much he's had by his speech and mannerisms. Of course, he might have the jump on this, being a fairly astute guy--and have already decided to limit his intake; I haven't spoken to him today.
Guess I'll call the latest wave produced by the rumor-mill here, the Chicken-Little Conspiracy. The reasoning is manifold, but basically is summed up best in the belief that there is an ongoing Administration change-out. This is strictly a rumor based on unfounded hearsay at best, and likely untrue at present. Bad news will go around the world 7 times while good news is getting its shoes on, so I've heard. I don't pay any attention to gossip, which is all it amounts to, now--thought it was laughable how easily, thoroughly, and swiftly these rumors cut through the population here.
As of now, 12/11/11, much of this letter will be found redundant by you--having it gone over face to face during our visit. Not that it makes a tangible difference long-term, but I feel good now I've had a chance to let my real actual self show through a bit more. Don't think I'm overstating the state of anything, but it does mean something to me that I'm thought of in the proper perspective. Yes, I can clown, but that doesn't make me a clown any more than physically being in a chicken coop makes me a chicken. I also feel that whatever else took place during the visit, I'm more easy-spirited instead of the defiant warlike entity I was last time.
Although it may have seemed at times my attention was wandering, I was at those moments engaging in cogitation as to what topic needed discussing, if indeed any did. My apologies, if I seemed inattentive. As always, the special and possibly unique ways of delving/exploring the particular topics you covered are above the high watermark, intellectually. I value them as such. Also, I now have yet another in the stream of ideas I have lately, for a topic that begs to be tackled.
That topic is one I mentioned during the visit, but I don't know if you realized the full significance of it, or for that matter, if the full significance can truly be realized. Specifically, going back to my realizing rather early in life that I was at least as smart as my teachers. How is it possible for them to teach anyone on a more advanced level than they currently have available? As an example, while "being taught" that the earth is the third planet from the sun, I realistically was studying the nature of sunlight. People perceive different colors actually because light is light and dark is dark. The sky only seems blue to someone because light is perceived by most at the part of the spectrum corresponding to the color blue. I'm not being pretentious, but this occurred to me by the 4th grade at the latest.
Unfortunately for those like me, the only way to progress beyond a certain point is to self-educate by whatever means available. Self education offers no recognized diploma, so our potential goes largely undeveloped in a general sense. We wind of stifled intellectually, forced to play make-believe in a world of suffocating ignorance. Of course, that is my opinion only.
Strong words, yet true just the same. More pragmatically due to the constraints inherent in all known/recognized human language(s), I may just be the originator of a new form of communication without words connected to rigid definitions. That will be a secondary endeavor at best, though. I'll keep you posted on the progress I make to that end, if any.
Something else occurs to me, worth mention. That is overcoming the apparent disparity of my "voice" I've got on paper and my speech in person. I've known there is an incongruency for some 20 years plus now, but the exploration of this has always been sidelined for a trivial reason, until now, that is. I've narrowed down to the reasons for this, but only in my head and not in any written form--for good reason. I wanted to know if my retention is such that I could maintain an idea of that complexity relative to all the other intellectual flotsam and jetsam over a period of time without being able to consult any "reminders."
It is the most heinously insulting thing that "we" are to do now: get the worst meal on the "menu" out of the way. At least, with this gone, it can only get better. Apologies for not concluding this before, but due to mechanical errors, it wasn't possible. What power(s) control my fates(s) are to be promptly and profusely thanked for the delay, as I was shown I yet have a horrifyingly objectionable side of myself gone wholly unrecognized, waiting for a chance to show.
During one of the rare few dreams I have now, I was at Ray and my mom's house (I guess, not having ever actually seen it), became frustrated at something very minor not turning out the way I wanted, locked Ray inside a shed, broke my mom's foot somehow--then it go serious. Real serious, fast. I couldn't believe it was me doing the things to my own mother that were so despicable, and relatively easy for me to do, at least for the time. Fortunately, it all came to a halt at 4:15 a.m. when a guard loudly yelled out the call for the med. window. Now I'm both shaken and stirred by that glimpse into a possible future!
As I sit writing in the pre-dawn gloom, a number of things crowd my mind vying equally, urgently to be noted that occurred to me late overnight. Among them, contrary to my violent dreamare (one word), that I'd ultimately seek to be a righter as well as a writer, a righter capable of correcting injustice of all types, and forging my way through the quagmire of dilemma and indecision in front of me. Hey, it's my fantasy--I might as well go all out with it, right? What I labor to convey, is not to be deceived by my smooth ways. I'm really not as easy-going a guy as I appear to be. I still have an issue or two to work out so I can be fit for public.
Now, although I don't exactly feel comfortable about it (as much as comfort is possible here!), I need to get this out to you, redundant though it is. It nearly is time to, again, sit and look at people I've got nothing in common with. That, unfortunately and for now, is all.
Your "short" friend,
James
